It has been a rough couple of years for us all and continues to be so. When we were all stuck at home, our pets and ourselves became even more attached to one another. People began calling it Covid-dependence. When we had to start leaving for work again, our animals demeanor changed. I think ours did as well. I was ecstatic to be at home with my cat, Bartelby(pictured below). He was up there in age, so spending the days with him made me feel better.
Even writing this is hard for me...6 months has passed since I lost him. I started leaving the apartment for work a year ago. I remember his face when I was heading out the door; he looked sad. Hating leaving him, because his back legs had begun to give out under him and I always worried that he would be hurt while I was gone and in pain. Those fears became true that day. When I got back home late from work, he had defecated and thrown up all over the floor. He was hiding under the bed, barely breathing. He lifted his head once and gave me the look that he was scared and didn't understand what was happening. I tried to get him to drink water, but he couldn't keep his head up. I kept trying, because if he even took just one sip of water, I was going to rush him to the hospital. I sat with him for a couple of hours petting him and just being near him as his breathing became more and more shallow. Then his body had a bad seizure and he let out a cry. He vomited and I knew that was it. I cleaned up his beautiful, sweet face and just cried. I wasn't ready for it and even writing this now I can't hold back the pain or the tears. It still hurts just as much as it did that night as it does right now. He was my best friend.
Somehow, I wiped my tears, placed his still warm, soft body into a small suitcase I had. I knew that I wanted to bury him in the backyard so that he would always be close to me. I cried for an hour as I dug his resting place. I also knew that I needed to bury him before his body became stiff. I brought the suitcase to the backyard. I held him in my arms, saying "I'm so sorry, Bartelby. I should have been home. I'm so sorry. I love you Bartelby.". He still smelled sweet. Wrapped in a scarf, I lowered him into the grave and covered him with the earth. I brought out a few candles, to sit with him.
The next day, I brought many things out to him...flowers, cat figurines, and a heart plaque with his name on it. Every time I think about him being there, it breaks my heart. I know I cannot change anything about not being home that night when he needed me. I know that he was the most important friend in my life for a long time and that I loved him more than anything in this world. It does not always help. I don't think that I have fully processed in my mind and in my heart that he is truly gone. Sometimes I will say his name out loud, then remember that he isn't there. I will miss him for the rest of my life.
If you have lost a beloved pet recently, my heart is with you.
